Monthly Archives: November 2013

Renewing my Vows

11 years ago this week, I met my late husband. Hanukkah time was always an unofficial happy dating anniversary for us. It is a time I naturally get reminiscent. All of our dates I remember freezing cold weather in the rain. Somehow it didn’t bother us quite that much.

I haven’t written in a while because I honestly haven’t felt very connected to a high place. After the initial shock, hospital time, and funeral, the meaning of everything was so clear, vivid and elevated. You may not believe me, but I had the same feeling sitting on my mourning chair as I did sitting on my bridal chair at my wedding giving blessings. The same Divine energy was coming through me; I was just in between those who greeted me and the message being sent from Above. When my late husband’s soul left his body, I felt touched by the Divine Presence, along with everyone in the room. I felt that I had a tiny glimpse into the World of Truth and this clarity of sight brought me through so much of the first weeks. After the first month, a lot of fog and muck of daily life set in.

Now what? No more articles. No more new hidden kindness or piety stories. No more fanfare. No more new good deeds being taken on for his soul. No more people changing their lives. Now what?

I still ask myself that question and in fact often get vertigo (that sensation scuba divers often get underwater when they don’t know which way is up). I just know that G-d wants me to go forward now and continue. My husband always led his life by the Torah principle that G-d leads you in the way that you want to go. So I usually just start with trying to align my will with G-d’s Will, even if I don’t know where that goes, and I know that He will lead me there eventually if I am honest about it.

But the way has been dark for me for a while. There has been no inspiration – just a lot of to do’s. I find myself ducking that dreadful yet seemingly normal question on the streets – “how are you?”. How am I? I am walking right now, how are you? Answering the question requires an emotional check which brings up the pain at often very inappropriate times. Functioning normally in a crowd is quite tricky. But when people skip the how are you question and go straight to the ‘I can’t imagine what you are going through and I am so sorry’ or give a compliment, I do truly appreciate it and it helps me to carry the load.

We are all carrying the load that Adam and Eve left us with and that will please G-d take us speedily into the days of Redemption!

So, tonight as I sat sick in bed and listened to one of my first Torah classes, I felt closer for the first time in a while. As I paced my living room, I decided to re-frame my story. I want to tell the saga from an angle that hasn’t yet been told. Many years ago in heaven, my soul was offered the following:

Hashem: “Lisa, I have a great guy for you. He has wonderful character traits, is G-d fearing, good-looking, tall, ambitious. You and he will build a great and exciting life, together reaching amazing spiritual heights and have five children. In the marriage, he will actualize himself, create a beautiful portion in the World to Come and become a hidden righteous person. Then, after ten years, when you least expect it, I will take him from you suddenly and you will be left with his legacy to carry on. But, I will give you plenty of physical, emotional and spiritual help from multitudes who love you both.”

Lisa: “Thank you G-d, I accept.”

Today, I asked myself this question again. If G-d came to me to offer this full package again, what would I say?
I realized that my soul would accept. So, I hereby renew my commitment/vows to you G-d, as difficult as the plight may be.

I love you all and couldn’t do this without you.

Blessings from Jerusalem,
Lisa

Thank you tremendously for your outpouring of support and love

Yesterday was the month anniversary of my dearly departed husband Greg, of blessed memory. I still can’t quite get used to saying that. As I continue to walk with you, some of the special people with whom I remain on this path of life, I wanted to take the opportunity to tell you how thankful I am that you are in my life and how thankful I am to everyone for their tremendous support and love during my darkest moments. People have been calling from around the world. People have been emailing from around the world. People from around the world have been dropping off mysterious envelopes and presents and all types of care packages, anonymously of course :-)

I want you to know that although I am unable to answer almost all of what is said these days, I have read EVERY email and received every letter and parcel of food or other and I am touched beyond words. Sometimes they make me cry. Sometimes they make me appreciate people and life so much. Sometimes, they just help me to feel. Thank you for being alive and for having the courage to be part of my pain.

An amazing thing about pain, is that although it hurts, it has a tremendous power to break through what’s fake in this world and take us directly to the common bond we have with each other. It brings us, if we just let it, to a place of connection, common roots, common goals, and the reality of what’s important in life. We really all do know what’s real and what this place is supposed to be about; we just get distracted sometimes. Pain, and often trauma, allows us to access the point of higher love and higher peace because it has a way of washing away the ego, and what’s left is the place where G-d resides. All of us have that place in common. All of us are just drops of one big beautiful ocean. All of us love each other so deeply at that point, because all of us are one.

My husband was sent here, amongst other things, I believe, to teach us all that we can do it. We can be supernatural. We can be truly G-dly – if we try and try hard. Altruistic giving and righteousness are not just for white-bearded holy men born to a long dynasty of great sages. Every one of us has the potential and can be holy. Every one of us can be pure. He did not accomplish it all in a day. He used each day to get closer. He set goals each day and used the time. Imagine 10 years of days that were used wisely – that’s 3,650 days! Imagine using each of these days by doing something to be a better human being. I bet you can get somewhere fantastic! At the shiva (7 days of mourning), Rebbetzin Nebensahl (the wife of the chief Rabbi of the Old City of Jerusalem) told me that a hundred years ago, in Baghdad, in the time of the great sage, the Ben Ish Chai, one would walk through a cemetery and see the following: “Here lies Sarah Belz, 100 year old grandmother, Lived 14 years”, “Here lies Abraham Green, 93 year old grandfather, lived 6 years”. Seems strange right? The Ben Ish Chai would write on their tombstones how many years he saw through spiritual eyes, that they ACTUALLY lived. How many years they actually used in the pursuit of higher truth and goodness.

My husband didn’t get a day more in this world than he was supposed to. None of us do. The only question is, how did we fill our days? No one at the shiva or the funeral ever mentioned how accomplished he was in business. No one ever mentioned how impressive was his wardrobe or his possessions (they actually weren’t very impressive at all :-))

My sons go to Zilbermans – a very special school in the Old City. When the kids and families found out that my husband was the anonymous sponsor of free helium balloons to the community on birthdays and special occasions, they were so inspired that they started a program for the kids. Each child receives a booklet and is encouraged to find ways to make people happy. When they do the act of kindness, they write it down in the booklet. After they write 5 acts, they hand in their booklet and get a prize. 10 acts will win them a ticket to a lottery for a bigger prize. And of course, the donor of all the prizes wishes to remain anonymous.

These kids are consciously seeking out ways to make their friends and populace happy. Last week, at 7pm bedtime, I closed my door to the crowd of 9 year old boys outside begging for me to let them do something to help me – clean, put a child to bed, feed a baby. I felt like a good-deed rock-star. I was so proud!

Below are pictures of the booklet (albeit in Hebrew). There is no reason that other schools can’t implement a similar program in English. There is no reason that another person can’t look for ways to make others happy, even if just once because of this message. In that way, you bring life to my late husband, life to yourself, and become a source of pride to the One who created us all and is rooting us on. I also have many other suggestions. But again, the only realistic goal is what you can accomplish TODAY as part of the greater goal.